On Turning 30

A couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about my upcoming birthday and I realized something--I got pregnant with Elizabeth only 3 months after my 20th birthday.   I did the math and I found out that I've been pregnant or nursing for 6 1/2 of the last 10 years.  That's 6 1/2 years where my body was not my own.  Except for a couple brief breaks, I've been changing diapers for almost 10 years.  I thought of the months and months spent potty training my kids. (shiver)

Of course I did some other things, too, during the last 10 years.  I finished college.  I helped Joe finish college and law school.  I read a whole lot of books.  I tutored a few people in math.  I tried to take time for myself and my own interests, but out of necessity that time was limited.  I had little people to take care of (and still do).  

I think some people would read that and feel sorry for me.  I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I feel sorry for me.  I have had this thought cross my mind--"I've given up my best years!  I've given up my 20 year-old body! Has it been worth it?"

The answer to that question is always a deep and resounding yes within my heart.  Thankfully, I know that life is not about achieving and maintaining the perfect body.  Unfortunately, many definitions of beauty that are given voice in our world are impossible to attain or maintain for long.  It is a sad fact of life that our bodies age and wear down.  Isn't it better to love our bodies for what they can do and to recognize that we and everyone around us are so much more than our bodies? 

The fact is that we were given our bodies to do something with them! To help other people.  To give love.  To work.  To learn.  Even to give life to others.  What a miraculous thing that is.  These are not things we do if we can squeeze the time in.  This is what God gave us time for. That applies not only to motherhood but to any act of service to God or one of his children.

I feel good about how I've spent the last ten years.  I've brought 4 beautiful people into this world.  I've fed them until they have learned to feed themselves.  I've taken care of them when they've been too sick to care for themselves.  I've kept them clean until they can learn to keep themselves clean (still waiting for the fruits of those labors :).  I've taught them how to treat other people.  How to apologize.  How to pray.  How to work.  How to read.  How to count.  I've taught them about the world around them.  I am so thankful for Joe who has not only sacrificed a lot so I can stay at home with the kids, but who loves to teach our kids all he can during his time with them.  He supports me in everything I want to accomplish.  

All I ever wanted to be was a mother.  Or a mathematician....

I wrote that when I was 9.

My kids help me to remember how "worth it" this all has been.  They have given me card after card, weeks before my birthday came.  The picture above is one Nate taped to my mirror. They give me hugs and kisses and tell me what a great mom I am, even when I've hidden in my room the night before because I just couldn't handle it anymore (happened last night--again, thank goodness for Joe!).  They love me and they forgive me.  I sure love them and I thank God for them in my prayers every day.  All I want is to be the mother they need me to be.

It feels like a time of transition for me.  My years of having babies and changing diapers might be coming to a close.  It makes me really sad but I also feel hopeful about the future and what it holds for us.  There will be more poop and more potty-training, and a whole lot more teaching.  There will also be a whole lot more letting my kids make their own decisions and mistakes.  That part is going to be hard for me.  

My 20's have been good to me.  Sure, my body isn't the same and I often feel like I've lost half my brain cells. But, I've got four little pairs of arms reaching out for hugs every night.  

I wouldn't change a thing.