Some Mother's Day Thoughts

The house is quiet.  Joe and the girls are off to work and school.  Nate is still asleep and Elijah just went back down for his nap.  I should really be exercising if that's going to happen at all this week (hasn't happened yet) but I think I'd rather write down some of my feelings here instead.  Mother's Day is approaching and I've been reading and thinking a lot about it.  I guess I'm always reading and thinking a lot about my job as a mother.  Sometimes I wonder if I get a little too absorbed in this important role of mine.  I do have other very important roles as well--wife, sister, daughter, friend, citizen, etc.  Motherhood can feel so all-consuming at times, especially when you have young children.  And, when you're devoting your full time to them, as I am, you want to feel as though you're doing a good job. 

When I was a new mother, I remember a very capable leader of our women's group at church with older children, who was also choosing to stay at home, say that she wanted to treat motherhood as she would have a career. She wanted to set goals and reach them, evaluate her performance, study and try to excel.  This made a big impact on me.  After all, did I really believe what I claimed to believe--that "the most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes"? (Harold B. Lee)  Of course we should be giving it our all.  It is God's work after all---helping and caring for His children.

Now, I am almost 8 and half years into this thing and motherhood has kicked me in the pants quite a few times since then.  I have often felt the truth of another quote hanging up in Joe's dad's house: "Raising children is like being pecked to death by ducks."  Sometimes I wonder what will remain when the ducks are finished with me.  Bones?  Will there be any part of my former self left?  What will I even do then?

The thing about motherhood is...sometimes you are giving it your all, setting goals, trying to excel, and you still get kicked in the pants.  A friend wrote an amazing post on her blog called "Be Still" where she so perfectly described what I had experienced many times:

A few nights ago [husband] was working and I had mounted my gallant steed I call "motherhood."  I was cracking the whip, ripping down the job chart, and firing up dinner.  It was within a matter of only minutes that I felt my saddle had loosened and with each gallop I was sliding down further and further until I was grasping the underside belly of that horse and holding on for dear life.

The chicken was on the grill preparing to become dinner.
My 8 year old was practicing the piano.
The 7 year old was feeling sick so he was lounging on the couch.
The 4 year old was picking up toys.
The 2 year old was helping in the kitchen.

And then in the slightest moment the 4 year old comes out of the bathroom half naked with poop everywhere.  Huh?
The 8 year old storms mad as a hornet from the piano screaming for help because he just can't make sense of his song.  He needs my help right now!
The fevering 7 year is reduced to tears and needs mom to come here right now.
The two year old, seeing a window of opportunity, pushes a chair to the kitchen counter, climbs up and empties the soap pump to sputters all over himself and the counter.
Chicken, was there chicken cooking?  Let's redefine dry meat shall we.

In that single moment I stood in the kitchen begin bombarded by 4 little men, slick n' slimy soap, poop smeared legs and floor, tears n' chills with aches, screams and pounding white and black keys and a smoking grill.  My 38 week pregnant belly, swollen legs, and contracting uterus were so weary beyond measure all I could do was laugh and imagine one more in the mix... a wailing hungry baby needing to be fed by the only one that can do it, mom.

I think I am losing it but I found such joy in that moment.  It was a moment when I had no control.  I was simply holding on for dear life and enjoying the ride.  Clinging to motherhood, upside down, at a galloping pace.

It was real life.  It was utter delight. It was such trivial things to just marinade in.

I thought that was the perfect metaphor. And you have to love her response.  At times, I have been able to laugh, too.  It is quite a ride. 

Unfortunately, all too often my principal emotion is guilt.  Ah, Mommy Guilt.  So much has already been said and written about this.  Why is there some much guilt associated with motherhood?  The only reason I can come up with is because it is such an important responsibility.  Where does it come from?  I think sometimes it comes from comparison and out-of-whack priorities and expectations.  It can be helpful at times, like when we've really messed up and we need to try to fix our mistakes.  But, at least for me, most often it is damaging.  I'm learning not to feed the guilt-monster within. 

I have so much guilt---not only associated with things I feel like I'm not doing or not doing well enough, but with things I think I should be feeling.  For instance, it's bedtime and I feel guilty not only for not taking the time to talk to my kids individually about their day but for not even having the desire to do so.  It's double guilt.  It's hard to feel hopeful, successful or optimistic about life with such guilt settled on my heart. 

But, I am learning to give myself a break.  Show myself some mercy, just as I would another mom friend who might confide in me that she was feeling this way.  I am tired.  It's been a long day full of meeting constant demands.  Some nights are better than others and that's how it's always going to be.  If it was a bad night, what can I learn from it?  Thankfully, we are blessed with the promise of a new day and new chances. 

I am also learning that there is value at times in just going through the motions.  Even when I'm not feeling particularly loving, I can still hug my kids and tell them I love them.  Because I do.  So often, that small act increases the love I'm feeling for them.  Feeling their little arms tight around my neck helps me to remember why I do all of this.  Kneeling down to still pray together at night, even when I'd much rather just shove them all in their beds, often helps me to refocus on all the many things I have to be grateful for.  On how good my life is.  Or at least it gives me the chance to talk to someone who I know understands.

Because that's the thing--this is God's work.  He does not leave mothers alone.  He will make up the difference.  We can have faith and hope in this.

I still read parenting books and I still set goals.  I try to find solutions to the problems I face as a mother.  But I fail a whole lot and I try to remember that it's OK.  I try to just be a little more humble so I can apologize when I mess up.  I try to love and forgive my kids a little more.  I try to show up even when I don't feel like it much.  I try to just grab a few beautiful moments a day, as one of my favorite bloggers says.  I try to pray.  I try to listen to God speaking to me.

As usual, the moment of solitude that prompted this post only lasted about a minute until Nate woke up.  I bought myself some time with breakfast and play dough.  Now the baby is awake and life goes on.

I try not to worry much about what the ducks will leave behind on the other end of this journey of motherhood.  I'm just grateful for the ride.


Do me a favor and take 15 minutes to watch this, even if you've seen it before. You won't regret it....