Warning: Men way want to skip this post. :)
I found this a couple years ago and thought it was hilarious. I remembered the part about the "sack of squirming puppies" (PERFECT description of trying to feed Nate right now) and so I looked it up again. Still just as funny.
How to Prepare for Nursing
I found this a couple years ago and thought it was hilarious. I remembered the part about the "sack of squirming puppies" (PERFECT description of trying to feed Nate right now) and so I looked it up again. Still just as funny.
How to Prepare for Nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel Pretty."
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile". Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say "Get used to it".
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M. and 5 A.M.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public--a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building--and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
7 comments:
LOVE it!! Men have no idea what we go through:)
OH MY GOODNESS! This is one of the most hilarious things I have ever read!!! I was laughing the entire time!!! Day 2 really got me--the chip clips! Hahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh--especially since Cambria just starting biting me....
LOL! I've never read this before. Hilarious. I've forgotten how it is since it's been over two years for me. Makes me want to put off having another baby just a bit longer.
ohhhhh man!! That was FUNNY! OKay and it really bugs me for all those Doctors and Lactation specialist who say that NURSING SHOULDN'T hurt!!! Whatever. I bet most women have sore nipples rather than NO PAIN at all!!! It only makes sense that they WOULD be sore seeing they are being sucked on every two hours!!!!! Ohhh nursing. I am ready to be done, but I guess I will hang in there. Luckily the baby food is going well!!
This is HILLARIOUS! I'm with Amy, LOVED the chip clips...hahahaha
I have another one.
"Find the most padded bra ever, then remove the padding from one side and walk around all day looking like a circus freak."
That is precisely why I stopped nursing already.
Ashley I can't stop crying. This made me laugh so hard I nearly threw up. There are so few in life that will ever truly understand and appreciate what it really takes. This made my year. I hope Joe gets home safe.
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